Secrets
by haze1982
Summary: Remus Lupin is turning sixteen. The Marauders want to give him a special birthday gift and Severus is tipped off about where he's going. My take on the Shrieking Shack incident. Written in first person. Remus POV. One Shot. Marauder Era Warnings: There is much angst in this story.


_**Secrets**_

_**Remus Lupin is turning sixteen. The Marauders want to give him a special birthday gift and Severus is tipped off about where he's going. My take on the incident. Written in first person. Remus POV. One Shot**_

_**Warnings: There is much angst in this story. **_

_**Disclaimers: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, books, etc and so forth. They're property of J.K. Rowling. **_

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The shower stream hits my tired face and I get ready for my day. Today is bitter sweet. It's March 9, 1976-the day before my sixteenth birthday and six days before the full moon. The awful thing about this is that the pains happen soon. Of course, the transformation won't happen until the March 16th but my body knows what will happen. It's had a decade to go through the transformations. My shell is all too familiar. I paid the price for something my father did. I'm not angry with him. I'm sure he loves me. He tried his best to help me through all of this. I managed to be allowed to come here. That was amazing. I look in the mirror and I don't look fifteen. My hair is starting to show a few strands of grey. My hands. Scars cover them as I bring them up to my face. Trembling. I'm used to it by now. I don't enjoy it. I cope.

I have to get ready for my Charms class for first period as I do every Tuesday. Then, Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creatures. My mouth turns into a frown. Werewolves aren't magical creatures. The truth is that I'm more than a simple half blood. I'm a _half breed_. They've found out by now. I can't keep the secret forever. They care for me and I don't wish to disappoint them. They've decided to learn how to become an animagus for some reason. James is Prongs because he's a stag. Sirius is a black dog which makes him Padfoot. Peter would be the rat named Wormtail. My nickname is Mooney. I'll give you a guess as to why that is. You only get one, though.

I am sworn to secrecy. I've got a lot of secrets I wish I didn't have to keep. I do things sometimes that, I realize, are careless. Anyway, that's how I live. I am a disappointment and I fear disappointing others. If I don't tell what I know, I'm a disappointment. If I do, the same result. Quite a paradox or what the Muggle world calls a "Catch 22". Herbology is what the day ends with and then I will sleep. Tomorrow, I'll be another year older. Happy birthday to me.

If I could have my birthday the way I really want. If I could do as I wish and no fear of anything, I'd want to go to London. They have these machines in the Muggle world called pin ball machines. I love them. I might want to have some chocolate ice-cream and stroll about the square. It'd be nice to be normal.

We call ourselves Marauders. Some name James picked out. They wait for me and we walk together through the corridors. I walk with my eyes downcast. I don't want to bring attention to myself this week. Or next. I just want to survive. I bury my nose in my books and lose myself that way. I make fairly decent marks and they think I'm intelligent. Dumbledore even found it in his heart to make me a Prefect this year. I was very astonished by that.

I get through this day and am woken the next morning to Sirius jumping up and down on my bed singing _Happy Birthday_. He is joined with a small chorus of Prongs and Wormtail. I smile because it does make me happy for a moment. As they hand me my gifts, I am a normal sixteen year old without a care in the world. I open them all up and James has gotten me a new pair of shoes, a giant box of chocolate bars, and slipped in a bit of money. He didn't have to. I'm grateful and I love it. Padfoot presents his gift of prank items. I have two giant bags of dungbombs and other various things to cause fireworks, spike pumpkin juices, and I smile. I don't like hurting people but I do like to pull jokes. It's part of the human me. Peter walks over and hands me his gift. He whispers happy birthday to me. Peter is nice. He's troubled and doesn't speak so much. I try not to pry because I don't like to be pried. As I open the package, I smile brightly. He noticed my bag for my books had finally seen its last day and he got me a leather one. It'll help carry my load. They were all such thoughtful gifts and I take a moment to hug my best mates.

They sat me down and told me that the biggest gift of all would come next Tuesday night. They'd finally sorted out their Animagus forms and were ready. They would spend the night with me in the Shrieking Shack. I'm worried that something will go wrong. What if I slip and I bite them? I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even Severus Snape. The curse is terrible. The way your bones crunch. You can't control your movements. The madness seeps in and I terrorize my own body. I'm nervous of the proposition all week. I'm aching physically and emotionally. I don't want them to get hurt. I wish they'd understand this. I'd ten times rather hurt myself than any of them. The days pass slowly and the night is almost here to go to the Shrieking Shack. We've come up with a Map to help wander about the Castle undetected. I like Charms so I assisted in that. It's fantastic to feel useful. James has an invisibility cloak to help. They were almost prepared for the night. They've shown me their forms and their plan. Wormtail was to deactivate the Whomping Willow momentarily and accompany me to help keep my human mind. He was the smallest which is why he was chosen. I hoped that it would work. I still hadn't seen Padfoot. I had to go. The moon would hang high before we all knew it.

I rushed across the grounds as fast as I could and felt a pair of eyes on me. I ignored it. I had no time to spare. I was happy that I shot to over six foot tall. I had longer legs to run. I held my wand. Stupid hand, will you stop shaking for a moment?! Finally, I used the _Petrificus Totallus_. Pressing the knot. I ran through the passage hurriedly. No time. The first pain shot through my back. I slam against the wall and howl in pain. Merlin's beard! I hate this bloody shit. Gaining my composure, I press forward. I have to. No one needs to be hurt. I can be hurt. No one else.

Finally, I make my way to the shack. Surely, they will be here soon. Maybe it'll help. If they do, I hope I don't sink my fangs in their flesh. My face contorts and my clothes start to rip. I slam the furniture around the room and cry out. I don't want to destroy but he's here now to demolish. The wolf is taking over and the last thing I remember-me, Remus John Lupin- is seeing two dark eyes. The fear in those eyes. Then, I see a small rat that tries to communicate with me. He helps calm me but the fear in those obsidian eyes is so very tempting. Oh, I can smell that fear. It's strong. He is pulled away and the door is slammed. I ran into it with a loud thud and hit the ground. I remember nothing more except a black large dog. He helps calm me even more. As I see another being, not human but a large animal. He has large horns atop his head. I start to remember. I welcome their presence and lay on the floor. I remember who I am. They lay next to me and it helps. I don't try to attack them. I remember. I don't look like me. These hands aren't my hands. The nails are too long. The hide is too hairy. I feel weak. There's a mirror. I see myself. I see him. The monster I am. After a decade, I see what I am. I have not one shred of humanity in my appearance. The only reason I have my mind is because of my three dearest friends. I go to them and we all curl up together to sleep. I feel a moist tear running down my snout before I slip into the darkness.

The morning sun finally made its appearance and we all four awoke. I jumped up as quick as I could to check on them. They stayed all night. I looked at their necks, chest, and made sure they were okay. No blood. No scratches. I had some on me but that is of no matter. They were fine. I fell back on the bed Dumbledore left for me and sigh in relief. As the other three Marauders stir awake, I smile softly to them. I told them thanks and they left to get ready for their classes. I needed a moment to collect myself and rest for awhile longer. They were fine. I was fine. I had been left with less scars but the room was damaged. I waited awhile before I got up to leave to see Madame Pomfrey.

I was finally somewhat happy. I didn't hurt them and I was allowed a night where I didn't completely lose it. I was sore but relatively unscathed. I pulled on my tattered shirt and went down the passageway and hit the knot to leave the Whomping Willow. As I walked through the early morning dew, no one else was up yet I noticed. I wiggled my toes in the grass with a contented smile. It was still quite early. Then, I saw those familiar eyes. Two deep, dark eyes and I quirked an eyebrow.

"Who's there?"

Severus Snape came from behind a tree and had his wand raised towards my throat. I was confused. Why was he angry at me?

"You almost killed me last night. I know your secret."

How did he find out? How did he know? Then, I remembered. I sniffed and lowered my head to the ground. It was he. The owner of the fearful eyes. I softened my face and rose my hands in surrender. I meant him no harm.

"You can't tell me you played no part in it! You had every intention of lunging at me. I saw you!"

I shook my head. I tried to plead with him. I didn't know what he was talking about. I would never wish to cause him that kind of pain. I didn't hate him. He wouldn't listen to me. He yelled at me louder. No one was around to talk sense into him. I told him he was being irrational. I damned my voice for its cracking.

"Soon. All will know that you are a half breed. I'm going straight to the Headmaster. You will be expelled for attempted murder and for being a loathsome, vile creature. A mistake of nature. Werewolf!"

The words cut me to the core. I stepped forward and the next thing I felt was slashing across my bared chest. He muttered some strange curse. I looked at the blood running from my flesh. I fell to my knees and looked up at him. I promised him that I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't mean to do whatever he said. I had no bloody clue what in the hell he was raving about. He glared at me. If looks could kill, I would be dead right now. I might be. I rose my hand to my chest as my entire body shook. I pulled my hand up to my eyes and saw the deep, crimson liquid. It was warm. Whatever the curse was he put on me, left me even weaker than I already was from the transformation. I leaned forward on all fours and started coughing. Pain was rushing through my body. When I looked back up at him, the horror in his eyes returned.

Perhaps he didn't know what he had done? The fear he had would cause anyone to react out. I didn't blame him. I would have been petrified, too. If I saw a giant werewolf, that is. I laid on my back and looked up at the sky. My chest hurt unbearably. I held my hand over my heart and swallowed hard. I hated to do this but I cried in front of Severus. I couldn't help it.

He walked slowly over to me and I looked up into his black eyes. I saw concern in them. He didn't smile or laugh at my tears. I begged him for forgiveness. I don't even know if he could hear me. My voice wouldn't stop cracking when I tried to talk. He looked around frantically. He knelt beside me and pulled my shirt open. The morning air kissed my chest. I tried to rise but Severus put a hand on my shoulder to stop me from moving. His pale face winced and he waved his wand over me. I heard him as he whispered another spell. I closed my eyes tight. He was going to take me out of my miserable existence. I wasn't scared to die. I wouldn't have told what he'd done. He didn't ask me not to. I didn't care. I've had worse gashes in my life. Perhaps, I even deserved his wrath. He whispered the spell a number of three times. I let my hand fall to my side. I was positive that he was ensuring I didn't survive this. I heard footsteps running away and cracked my eye open for a moment. I looked to the right and saw Severus running away. He had left me. Alone. I understood.

I closed my eyes tight. I thought of the pinball machine. The blinking lights and the small metallic balls being catapulted. I wish I had a taste of chocolate ice cream. I made it a week into my sixteenth birthday at least. I survived for a long time. Longer than most expected. I remember them-not my parents but the others-talking when I was a child. They wanted me to be put down. I remembered my mother and father when they were proud of me. I remembered being accepted by James, Sirius, and Peter.

Drained. I stayed on the ground for quite some time until Madame Pomfrey discovered me. She was worried. I normally would have shown up by now. She saw the gashes across my chest. She asked if they were from the transformation and I nodded. They were. The gashes were definitely a result of my stupid lycanthropy. She helped me to the Hospital wing and tended to my wounds. I didn't tell Severus' secret. Dumbledore came to me later that morning and told me he swore Severus to secrecy about me being a werewolf. Then, the Marauders came. I vowed my secrecy to them of their animagus forms. I promised to keep their secrets. I always do. I'm used to it by now.

I was sound asleep when I felt a touch on the back of my hand. I cracked my eyes open and looked up at the boy standing at my bedside. It was Severus. He looked relieved. I smiled up at him.

"Lupin. I'm sorry. I'm glad you're all right."

His voice was sincere and I nodded. I told him I was glad he was all right as well. I knew by the look in his eyes he wondered if I would tell. I told him I wouldn't. I would keep his secret. I wasn't even sure what he had cast on me. He looked at my chest. The shirt was unbuttoned. He grimaced at the sight. I still had no idea what he saw. I didn't think I would like to know either. I was tired. I closed my eyes as he left and drifted back to sleep. All the secrets locked tight in my mind and that is where they stay.

The End...

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_**A/N: Just my take on the Shrieking Shack incident. I did look up the lunar calendar for the dates to be as accurate as possible. Hope you enjoyed it. And, it's also my first story told in First Person. I basically pretended to be Remus. It was odd-now I'm all sad. **_

_**Comments, Reviews, etc are always appreciated...constructive is fine. :) Take care everyone!**_


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